If you listen to parents as they interact with their children, you’ll witness lots of different parenting styles. Some exchanges as used as opportunities to teach, while others are used to correct. Both are valid.

But listen further to the tones of voice and the word choices used and you may realize some parents are missing opportunities to encourage their children in their efforts to manage behavior. They’re using negative words and images rather than positive and over time, build poor self-concepts and the idea “I’m not good enough.”

Recently I’ve been thinking about the reasons some children grow up healthy, stable and able to withstand all that life can throw at them while others struggle with everyday life. What can parents do to build healthy feelings of self-worth and self-management into their children?

Here’s something that jumped out at me recently when reading about the picture of faith the size of a mustard seed. I realized I’d always taken that image as a scolding from heaven that I don’t even have enough faith to fill a very tiny teacup. Shame on me.

Then I realized there’s another way to receive that message. I could hear a loving God encouraging me. “Don’t worry, you don’t need to have faith the size of a watermelon, you only need a little bit and you’ll do fine.”

Why is it we sometimes hear a negative message given in harsh tones rather than encouraging words given in love?

Well, I guess there are lots of answers to that question:

  • We grew up in homes with harsh punishment.
  • We grew up afraid of God, not knowing His love.
  • We’ve become frustrated with our own shortcomings and want to do better.
  • We fail to understand how much God loves everyone.

I asked myself how many times I’ve chosen to receive a negative, shaming message rather than an encouraging one that helps me along the way. The heart of the error is believing God wants to punish, find me wanting and is basically unhappy with me as His child.

That’s wrong.

If you tend to internalize negative messages about your daily journey and your efforts to live in a way pleasing to God, take another look. We move forward when we hear our Father telling us He’s happy with our efforts. We become paralyzed when we believe we’re failing God (again). Our children respond the same way.

I changed my mind about the mustard seed message even though I know my faith is often small. I reminded myself God loves me and wants me to succeed. He’s pleased when I make a bit of progress. He’s all about my well-being and not out to bop me on the head when I make a mistake.

Words of encouragement lift our hearts and make us want to do better. They build us up rather than shame us. Good job, parents, when you speak words of love and encouragement to your children, even when they misbehave. Show them the positive message that God loves them just as they are and wants them to grow and change all throughout their days.