How many of you want your children to be healthy and successful in all they do? I see those hands. We all want good things for our children.

Over forty years ago the now famous Stanford “marshmallow test” was given to young children aged four through six. In this study the children were placed in a room with an adult who told them they had a choice: They could have one marshmallow right away or they could choose to wait fifteen minutes and receive two. The adult then left the room and monitored the child’s behavior.

The choice was a simple one. One treat now or two later. Some children just popped the first marshmallow in their mouth and were done. Others tried mightily to wait, but succumbed to temptation, and others were able to wait the full fifteen minutes and gain the double prize.

The surprising results of this study came years later when follow up studies showed the children who had mustered the self-control to wait for the allotted time outperformed the other children in many areas. They had better grades in school and higher SAT scores. They were reported to be happier and had higher rates of freedom from substance abuse. They had better social skills and generally were more successful in life than the children who couldn’t wait.

The overall conclusion is that children who learn to wait for gratification are learning an important life skill: self-control and ability to focus on a goal. These are important keys to successful performance in both school and in future adult life.

How can we encourage a young child to wait? Some of the clues came from the original Stanford study where the children who were successful in waiting used various strategies. Some of them chose to engage in another activity such as talking to themselves, singing or moving about the room. Some children moved the tempting marshmallow further away from them to minimize temptation. Some played with toys to pass the time.

Very young children can practice waiting. Here are some tips to help you incorporate waiting skills in your everyday lives.

  • Use visuals to help children mark the passage of time. Use digital clocks, wall charts, calendars and the like. Allow children to mark off the days or make the tally mark. Marking the passage of time helps children get a clearer sense of the future and how long the increments of time will be.
  • Teach children to use language when they’re frustrated. Teach them it’s okay to verbalize anger, disappointment and other negative feelings in appropriate ways. When they don’t get the things they want right away, they can release emotional pressure in a healthy way.
  • Games that require impulse control such as red light, green light or Simon Says are great ways to learn listening skills plus the tricky fact that circumstances change. Children who learn to manage behavior when expectations are not met will benefit from such practice.
  • Engage your children in problem solving Teach them there are many ways to solve a problem. Ask, “What else can we do? Or suggest “Let’s read this book while we wait for…”
  • Help your children make a plan and follow through to conclusion. It may be a complicated project built with Legos or a craft project of some kind. It may be a cleaning project such as a bedroom or garage. Help them make the plan and then tick off each item as it’s completed to experience the satisfaction of doing a job well.
  • Use allowances or pay mini-wages for tasks and then help your children to manage their money. Teach saving, giving and generosity. Show the benefit of setting a goal and working steadily toward it. Saving for a nicer toy rather than buying a cheap one is a tangible way to teach patience.

One of the benefits of requiring a bit of waiting when your children want something happens inside them. They’ll learn they have the power to wait. They can do it. They can learn to wait when you’re talking to another adult. They can wait for their food in a restaurant. They can be in charge of their impulses and not satisfy them immediately every time. Such knowledge builds character and confidence.

You can help your children learn self-control and patience. With your help they can learn to set long-term goals and work toward them. They can gain the willpower to ignore impulses that scream “I need it now” and learn to wait.

 

40 years of Stanford Research by James Clear at www.jamesclear.com/delayed-gratification