I heard a challenging message in church on Sunday. It had to do with expectations, both the expectations of others and those we put on ourselves. While expectations can be healthy personal goals for our productivity and growth, they can also begin to pile up a load of guilt and pressure that becomes a negative force in our lives.
It dawned on me (not for the first time) that one of the reasons I am able to publish my writing is that I’m quite good at meeting the expectations of others. I am good at “reading” what people want and giving it to them. In writing that’s a pretty good thing, because a publisher won’t print a piece unless it meets his current needs. Publishers want a certain style, a hot topic, a particular format. So, good for me, I can sometimes fill their felt need and see my name beside an article or devotional piece.
The problem comes when I fall into the trap of meeting people’s needs to my own emotional and psychological and even spiritual detriment. When I say or do things for the sole purpose of making another person happy, I may lose sight of God’s best for me. I may begin to behave in ways that aren’t true to my real self. I may begin to resent giving my time or my efforts to please another person or another group if I’m not doing it for the right reasons.
It’s a bit of a balancing act, but essentially it’s about priorities. If I have my priorities in the right order, I’ll be in a healthier place to make decisions about what I will and won’t do for others. My whole life is about living for God and serving Him. My whole motivation in life is to give and be generous. That’s great. But I need to be well cared for too and when I find myself resenting, pushing through without conviction and generally being miserable, it’s time to take a step back and hit the reset button on my actions.
People pleasing isn’t always bad. Where do you find your balance in doing for others? What are your “alarms” to warn you when your life is getting out of balance? How do you give others what they want and stay healthy? I’d love to hear your comments.
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This has always been huge for me. The reason I ended up doing well in school was because I knew it made my teachers and parents happy! I equated good grades with being a good person and having people think well of me. It’s still an issue, but not as much as it used to be. I’m older now (way older!) and, as bad as it sounds, I just don’t care as much what people think. I do what I can and then I just don’t…I think I learned the hard way way back then. If you keep saying ‘yes,’ people will keep asking for more. Now, I try to choose what I will do, do it, then get on with my life.
Yes, the good girl syndrome has its consequences. We aren’t sure what we really want because we’re so used to pleasing another. I recognize “not caring as much” as growth. None of us become wise overnight I guess.